Local Gyms Enjoy Boom

Private gyms all over ^C1 are citing fear of crime as the primary reason for a fifty-percent rise in membership. "People need to defend themselves," said Philip Monet, owner of ^C1’s trendy Build ‘N Buff chain. "If you can bench-press two hundred pounds, you can handle yourself." Dirk Merkin of Hunk-U-Up agrees. "Anyone who does four hours a day on our deadweight machine gets respect." The ^C1 Gym, Workout and Tanning Advisory Board said that as long as crime is at current levels, this trend would continue, and consumers could expect to pay more for the privilege of working up a sweat.