Number of Policemen Dwindling

Standing atop his soapbox on Sludge Street, ^C1's only registered paranormal psychologist, Randy Duhmazing, spoke passionately about crime last night to a group of juvenile delinquents. The teens remained uncharacteristically attentive while Duhmzing explained his theory that the brains of uniformed police officers are being stolen by aliens and replaced with silicon-gel implants. "When you see an officer with a huge head and a small neck, you know you're dealing with a gelhead," Duhmazing told them as he casually stroked his fez. The youths have organized a rally to increase public awareness of the problem. Police Chief Pencilneck refused all requests for comment.