^C1 Fire Department Reduces Services

If the family cat gets stuck in the tree, don’t call the ^C1 fire department. Fire Commissioner Marcos Sapienza has ordered cat rescue to be a secondary priority, after actual fire-fighting. "When a fire happens, that’s got to be our main priority. Fluffy will come down when she gets hungry enough," he said in a press conference announcing the new policy. "If we had more fire stations, sure, we could offer the service again. There’s more people in ^C1, so we need more stations. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out."

The Commissioner's Panel charged with overseeing fire services was visibly stunned by the announcement. "Commissioner Sapienza doesn’t have the politician’s touch, as they say," said shaken panel member Durwood Fitzhugh. "But he sure gets to the point. I have a cat. Most of my friends have cats. We all have trees. None of our cats are named Fluffy, but we should help out all cats, regardless of name. Our recommendation is to build additional fire stations."